TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely outside of position. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let us have An additional area in which American Adult males can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide All people a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It can be that he must quit using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, Trump Tower Damascus The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a element currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the making's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting consideration from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD might have turn-down provider."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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